In the last week I've been doing a lot of thinking. And not thinking. Or whatever the opposite of thinking is. I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever felt such an emotional rollercoaster in my life before I came to Germany. I think I had a pretty chill stressless life. Here, well, everyone seems more stressed out.
I've come to the realization that I'm not really a big party person. I would prefer a night staying up chatting and playing board games with friends and family than out at a party with dancing and drinking and such - hands down. I would love to just have a hang out night with my friends, like I'm used to. But, sometime soon I think I'll have a girl's movie night with Yiwen, Chau Yi, and Fernanda (exchange students), and that'll be really good for me.
Sadly enough, I can't seem to make good friends of my own here. Basically, in school in Germany, they have been all together since the fifth grade. And I don't mean like in American high school together. I mean, like a small class, that one would teach, with the same people, every single class, every single school day, for the past six years. So they're all pretty close. Really close. And they know who've they've got for friends, and who they're not friends with. Everybody is really nice too, but no one needs another good friend, that's already all taken care of. They all have all of their own things, friends, stuff to do, and no one has time for the newcomer.
I also had a little bit of Heimweh this week. (Homesickness) I especially really really really miss my friends from America. And especially my bestie, Alison Ayen. I think that one can go through something as long as they have their friends there for them. I was never so stressed out or sad or anything in the US before. And I went through things, that while looking back on them, seem much, much harder to go throught than things I'm going through now. I was always the one who was constantly happy, almost always had a smile. The one who cheered the others up. Here, I can be overly silent. Often enough, people show/say that I should smile, that was my job in America, not the other way around! Don't worry, be happy - that was something that I could have lived by. It just seems a lot harder to do here.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not alone in Germany. I still have all of my wonderful exchange student friends, and my german family. But, its hard to coordinate schedules with the exchange students and sometimes, well, we don't have exactly the same agenda. And other values. And my family is wunderschön, but well, man braucht auch Freunde dazu.
Now, I'm not trying to be all negative and such, I'm still loving and enjoying my time in Germany. It's just made me see all these things that I would normally take for granted. Oh, speaking of that, I'm really really really glad that I went (and will go to again next year) an American high school. I just don't like how the german one works. Maybe part of it is that I've picked up a bit of that thing from my mom - seeing how things could be better run and whatnot, not exactly sure what to call it. But she knows. And the other part is that it is all so boring. So so so so sooo boring. Like in Germany it seems that they don't know how to make school a little bit exciting. I think I might like to be a teacher someday, and if so, I vow never to make my lessons as boring as these german ones. And there's more I'm not a fan of about german school, but that probably needs its own post as a long rant.
On the upside, I think I'll finish Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen today. Then maybe I can start the second one! :D
Well ta-ta for now,
With love and greetings from Germany,
Your faithful friend,
em
(:
